Who didn't want to be a ninja growing up? Hell, most of you probably still want to be ninjas. Am I right? Eh? Ehhh. Anyway, Tenchu 3 is a Playstation 2 game where you take control of a ninja and run around silently killing stuff. Humans, demons, cats, bears, fruit. At one point, I actually executed a decorative planter. The point is, there's lots of killing. And I enjoy the hell out of it. What's wrong with me? Am I disturbed? Fuck off, it's a video game. Get off my ass.

The setting is ancient Japan. You play as one of three ninjas in the service of a local lord. Basically, your assignment on each level is to get past security (by dispatching them without causing too much commotion) and then either kill something or reach a predetermined goal. You're armed with the ninja basics: your sword, ninja stars, and your grappling hook. You also get weirder stuff, like poison rice and magical crap.

Along the way, you earn rewards for how stealthily you go about your gory job. For example, if you stalk a guard well enough to attack from close range without alerting him to your presence, you get a brief cutscene of a "stealth kill" execution, like the pretty one that appears at the top of this review.

Nine stealth kills on a level gets you a new ninja ability, like being able to cling to ceilings and attack from there. Ninja mind control is also available. Ninja desk organization is not.

Importantly, you're not required to be stealthy. If the idea of being patient in a video game pisses you off, you can just charge in headlong and attack. The combat system is pretty simple, but the game lets you go ahead and hack away if that's what you're into. You won't earn the special weapons and abilities, but you will save up enough time to watch that SK8-TV show you love so much.

In general, the learning curve is about right, as I found myself stumbling around clumsily early on but quickly getting the hang of the controls. The finer points of close range assassination as well as navigation by grappling hook came slowly but surely, like a blind dog in a strong headwind. After playing the game for the first time, a stoned friend of mine mused thusly: "Ninja-ing is hard." But it gets easier.

There are some minor shortcomings, like the ridiculous English voiceovers, which can be countered by selecting the Japanese language option. It's more authentic anyway. The music sucks as well, but luckily you can silence it like a surprised guard. And of course, the opening movie is lamely incomprehensible. It can and should be skipped.

Overall, though, an outstanding game. Add in the two-player co-op and vs. modes, as well as the ability to play through each level with three different layout options, and you've got a solid addition to your dork-out collection. Tenchu 3: Highly recommended.