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Fort Drastic Columns
Wiffle Bat Safety Log
The following is an excerpt from the logbook of an assistant safety manager at the Wiffle™ bat factory
Wednesday April 23rd, 2003
10:41 a.m.
INCIDENT: The second groining of the week took place this morning on the Finishing Floor. Wallace Clayton, a veteran Conveyer Technician, was carrying a loose armload of bats toward Packaging when an unknown noise caused him to suddenly turn back toward the Finishing Conveyor. As he turned, one or more of the carried bats struck Belt Supervisor Stephen Timulty squarely in the crotch.
MEASURES TAKEN: All witnesses indicate that this was a relatively minor groining, and that an investigation is not necessary. Ice was applied and Timulty was given a two-hour break to recover. Clayton was given a brief speech about groin/bat safety from both Sr. Safety Manager Carmody and Conveyer Supervisor Bill (Winky) Nebansky.
Friday, April 25th, 2003
2:25 p.m.
INCIDENT: Groining #3 this week (The record is 18), this one in Shipping. This was a severe groining of the “garden rake” variety. Jr. Shipping Tech. Brian Parker was carrying several large boxes of bats to the loading dock area. The boxes apparently obstructed his forward vision. Just before reaching the exterior loading dock door, Parker stepped on a loose bat. The tip of his foot caught the butt end of the bat (the Nub), and the resulting lever effect swung the bat upward toward him. Parker’s groin (mostly testicles) absorbed the entire impact, as he was wearing non-regulation tight pants. Parker’s scream was apparently heard as far as Reception, where it was described by many as “ghostly” and “chilling”. Parker dropped the boxes on impact and collapsed, crying a little bit.
MEASURES TAKEN: Parker’s groin was iced and he was given a 3-hour break. He was asked to recite the Shipping safety rules from memory and failed (he struggled with Carrying Safety and Bat/Groin Safety). 17 demerits were assigned. His wife was called and admonished by Shipping Manager Norv Greenway, Sr.
NOTE: We are plagued by these groinings. Every week, Wiffle folks fall like felled trees, their neutered cries echoing sharply off the damp grey walls of the Plant. People are frightened, and prone to covering their crotches (even the women) with their free hands or lunch trays (imagine the clean-up). And still, Sr. Safety Manager Carmody refuses to move forward with my suggestions. Groin Safety Week would supposedly be “a P.R. nightmare”. My random cup-check idea is most often derided as “insane” and/or “awful”. I am beginning to suspect that Sr. Safety Manager Carmody lacks vision.
Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
12:33 p.m.
INCIDENT: Sr. Quality Assurance Tech. Mary LeBatard was boobed earlier today in what may have been a premeditated attack. At approximately 10:05 this morning, Jr. Quality Assurance Tech. Susan Jarome called LeBatard to her station to inspect a questionable bat. Jarome indicated that the area of her concern with this bat was flexibility, and attempted to demonstrate by holding the bat with a hand at each end and flexing it as she held it out in front of her, only about foot away from LeBatard’s chest (bosom area). Jarome then lost her grip on the head of the bat, which (because of the force required to flex it) swung out and struck LeBatard in the left breast (nipple area). A small altercation ensued.
MEASURES TAKEN: This incident has drawn much attention, partly because boobings are relatively rare (in comparison to the damn groinings), but also because there seems to have been animosity between the two parties. Jarome may have been seeking retribution for a talking-to she received recently from LeBatard regarding poor job performance. LeBatard reportedly called Jarome’s work “shoddy” and “sub-human”, based on the fact that Jarome had given a passing grade to a deformed bat (the bat came through Shaping with a sharp point at both ends and was only four inches long). As a result of the boobing, Jarome will be required to watch our four-hour safety film “Breasts, Bats, and Safety” before she is allowed to return to work. Criminal charges may be pending, depending on whether or not LeBatard regains sensation in her aureole/nipple.
Wednesday, April 30th
Noonish(?)
INCIDENT: Some new guy lost an arm in the Rejected Bat Shredder. No details warrant mentioning.